Morning Joke

[BillCarson436]

Hello...

A Japanese doctor said, "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in Six weeks."

A German doctor said, "That's nothing; we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks."

A British doctor said, "In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half of a heart out of one person, Put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks."

A Texas doctor, not to be outdone said, "You guys are way behind, we took a man with No brains out of Texas, put him in the White House and now half the country is looking for Work."!o)

[billd531]

Now, Now Bill..... we could say the same thing about the President before him! Except, in his case, he would be covered with oil ( Slick Willie )and from Arkansas.:-))

[BillCarson436]

Hello...

Clinton put half the country out of work...lol

Never saw that one in print...l except from Laura Ingrahm I suppose ?

[rapuda]

I'll take Bill Clinton over doofus 43 ANYDAY! He wasn't perfect, and certainly had his flaws, but he was better for the people of this country than Bush Cheney. He lied about oral sex in office which didn't get one person killed. The republicans got all moral and impeached him. Bush lies about everything under the sun, gets 4113 American soldiers killed, over 30,000 wounded, trillions of dollars in debt, and the republicans close their eyes to it and squash an impeachment of Bush. I guess lying about sex is a terrible thing, but lying to go to war is alright. Is Iran next?

[Modica]

I'll take Bill Clinton over doofus 43 ANYDAY! He wasn't perfect, and certainly had his flaws, but he was better for the people of this country than Bush Cheney. He lied about oral sex in office which didn't get one person killed. The republicans got all moral and impeached him. Bush lies about everything under the sun, gets 4113 American soldiers killed, over 30,000 wounded, trillions of dollars in debt, and the republicans close their eyes to it and squash an impeachment of Bush. I guess lying about sex is a terrible thing, but lying to go to war is alright. Is Iran next?
We also have the highest gas proces ever. Gee, when Clinton was in office I remember paying 96 cents for a gallon of gas. I really don't know how anyone can still make excuses for this liar. He will go down as one of the worst presidents ever. The list of problems and underhanded dealings that this administration has is as long as...

[UNiRAC]

That was good Bill. Was that an original or Unity08.org ? btw: I'm voting for Mickey Mouse this time . I never vote for GOOFY ! L0L

[Marc Syrah]

:) Hey Bill!
Good "joke"!
Except that the "joke" is still in office! :D
ON TO IRAN!!!!
Before he leaves office... :mad:

[candiceunderwood]

I agree with Marc Syrah told Marc Syrah Good "joke"!
Except that the "joke" is still in office...

[Marc Syrah]

I became confused :confused: when I heard these terms which reference the word 'service'.

Internal Revenue 'Service'
U.S. Postal 'Service'
Telephone 'Service'
T.V. 'Service'
Civil 'Service'
City & County Public 'Service'
Customer 'Service'

This is not what I thought 'service' meant.

http://www.thefreedictionary.com/service

But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to 'service' a few cows. BAM!!! It all came into perspective. I now understand what all those 'service' agencies are doing to us.

I hope you are as enlightened as I am. :D

[UNiRAC]

Hello...

now half the country is looking for Work."!o)
Hey, Duplicating and Utilizing is what I'm good at, Yo !
so in keeping with a work-type-joke [ and not bashing Politicos]
truism ---> So I told at&t that if they want to LAY-OFF [agin'] I'm practically ready this time, put in my papers yesterday, The Lousiana-Internet Bride is happy now, although it may take a 60 yr ol' , Thrice laid-off, 9th Vocations about 18 mos. to find another good payin' job .
But to my surprise, my so called co-workers were surprised that I'm biting the bullet [ B4 they all get LAID-OFF in MRDN/MedWay in APRIL ] until I told them that my purpose in life is to raise the IQ rate in this world . You see, By leaving to parts south, I'm raising the IQ level of TWO [2] States at the same time ! ;)
ps: I have witnessed PROGRESS and will not stand in it's way [ until THEY try to put a 'CHIP' in my head ] ! L0L

[alwaysright]

the only real service in murdin was closed recently when they raided the "spa" on broad st. apt adress for the place too

[Charles E. Peevyhouse]

the only real service in murdin was closed recently when they raided the "spa" on broad st. apt adress for the place too

That was private service as well, if city workers ran that place it would be all screwed up, over budget, no girls on staff, and only open on tuedays.

[jma]

That was private service as well, if city workers ran that place it would be all screwed up, over budget, no girls on staff, and only open on tuedays.

Yeah, but at least the managers would get raises!!

[Marc Syrah]

:rolleyes: Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, CA, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 foot boat, going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power they applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted into a nearby marina, thinking someone there may be able to tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition The engine ran fine, the out-drive went up and down, and the propeller was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.

NOW REMEMBER...THIS IS TRUE.

Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer!

God / Master Designer / Evolution (Your choice!) must love stupid people... there are so many of them! :eek:

I would rather be upside down in my kayak... Than sitting upright at a desk!

[UNiRAC]

Mark, ya didn't quantify that TALL story with their age... were they Farty-sumpin' plus more years or Teenagerz??? Those are the only ''Stupid people'' I've known ! :eek:I thank the Lord that I made it through my 20's and thirty's and also a 19 yr old draftee and a 52 yr old , laid-off from PB.com and on, and, on... :o

[Marc Syrah]

:D Not a Boston Fan

Two boys are playing hockey on the pond on Boston Common, when one is attacked by a vicious Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy took his hockey stick and managed to wedge it down the dog's collar and twist, luckily breaking the dog's neck and stopping its attack.

A reporter who was strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy.

"Young Bruins Fan Saves friend from Vicious Animal..." he starts writing in his notebook.

"But, I'm not a Bruins Fan," the little hero replied. "Sorry, since we're in Boston, I just assumed you were," said the reporter and starts again.

"Red Sox Fan Rescues Friend from Horrific attack..." he continued writing in his n notebook.

"I'm not a Red Sox fan either!" The boy said.

"I assumed everyone in Boston was either for the Bruins or the Red Sox. So, what team do you root for?" the reporter asked.

"I'm a Yankees fan!" the child beamed. The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes:

"Little Bastard from New York Kills Beloved Family Pet."

[Marc Syrah]

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote
mountainous pasture in California when suddenly a brand new BMW advanced
out of a dust cloud towards him.

The driver, a young man in a Armani suit, Gucci shoes,
RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy,
'If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd,
Will you give me a calf?'

Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at
his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, 'Sure, Why not?'

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook
computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a
NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an
exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite
that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe
Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg ,
Germany .

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot
that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses
a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email
on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on
his hi-Tech Miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the
cowboy and says, 'You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.'

'That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my
calves,' says Bud.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and
looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then Bud says to the young man, 'Hey, if I can tell you
exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?'

The young man thinks about it for a second and then
says, 'Okay, why not?'

'You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government', says
Bud.

'Wow! That's correct,' says the yuppie, 'but how did you
guess that?'

'No guessing required.' answered the cowboy. 'You showed
up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an
answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me
how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about
cows...this is a Herd of sheep.

Now give me back my dog.

[Marc Syrah]

Guess no one like that one... How about this one? (Hope the "bad" words aren't deleted)

Drafting Guys over 60

New Direction for any war: Send Service Vets over 60!
I am over 60 (actually I am not) and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing ass-backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.


For starters:
Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.
Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry'. We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some ******* that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for awhile.

An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys always get up early to pee so what the hell. Besides, like I said, 'I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-*****.

If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.

Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.

They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training.

Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start up a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.


These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way .

Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple of million ****ed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them.

If nothing else, put us on border patrol....we will have it secured the first night!


Share this with your senior friends. It's purposely in big type so they can read it.

"A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have."
-Thomas Jefferson

[Marc Syrah]

Guess there is too much Reality going on...
One more try...
You folks need to lighten up... So here goes...

MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE
NICKNAMES
a.. If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
b.. If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.
EATING OUT
a.. When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
b.. When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY
a.. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
b.. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
BATHROOMS
a.. A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel .
b.. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
ARGUMENTS
a.. A woman has the last word in any argument.
b.. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
FUTURE
a.. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
b.. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
SUCCESS
a.. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
b.. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
MARRIAGE
a.. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
b.. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does..
DRESSING UP
a.. A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone,
read a book, and get the mail.
b.. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL
a.. Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
b.. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING
a.. Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
b.. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes.
There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

Same goes for Politics!
Neither one will be MY President!

[Marc Syrah]

LETTER FROM A FARM KID
Dear Ma and Pa,
I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Larson by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.
I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. but I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.
Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.
We go on 'route marches,' which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A 'route march' is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.
The country is nice but awful flat.
The sergeant is like a school teacher He nags a lot. The captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.
This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.
Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy.. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Devils Lake. I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6' and 130 pounds and he's 6'8' and near 300 pounds dry.
Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.
Your loving daughter,
Darlene

[Marc Syrah]

K... how about this?

Olympic "Did I just say that" moments!

Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators during the Olympics that they would like to take back:

1. Weight-lifting commentator: 'This is Gregorieva from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing.'

2. Dressage commentator: 'This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother.'

3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: 'I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.'

4. Boxing Analyst: 'Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious.'

5. Softball announcer: 'If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again.'
.
6. Basketball analyst: 'He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces.'
.
7. At the rowing medal ceremony: 'Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew.'
.
8. Soccer commentator: 'Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field.'

9. Tennis commentator: 'One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them... Oh my God, what have I just said?'

[Marc Syrah]

WHY REDNECKS CAN'T BE PARAMEDICS

A couple of rednecks are out in the woods hunting when one of them suddenly grabs his chest and falls to the ground.
He doesn't seem to be breathing; his eyes are rolled back in his head.
The other redneck whips out his cell phone and calls 911.
He gasps to the operator, "I think Bubba is dead! What should I do?"

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy and follow my instructions. First, let's make sure he’s dead."

There is a silence...... and then a shot is heard.

The redneck's voice comes back on the line, “Okay, now what?

And if you watched the First Debate...
Todays Postings on "Politics..."
Will make up the rest of todays Jokes! :D

[alwaysright]

no wonder you claim your only entertainment is these boards. Your jokes are not all that funny.

[Marc Syrah]

:( oh... all right
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Guess you are (as always) right... :(
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This will be my last Post here... :(
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I have read a LOT of your Posts... :eek:
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This must be your day job...
http://i143.photobucket.com/albums/r139/Wineguys/Quiseplaintdesonboulot.jpg
:D
“no wonder you claim your only entertainment is these boards. Your jokes are not all that funny.”
Anyone else agree with “alwaysright”? :confused:

[Marc Syrah]

Five Surgeon’s

:) The first surgeon, from New York, says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

:) The second, from Chicago, responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."

:) The third surgeon, from Dallas, says, "No, I really think librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

:) The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers... Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over.”

:D But the fifth surgeon, from Washington, DC shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on.
There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the ass are interchangeable.